しりません

I really appreciate the fact that さとうせんせい talked to me after class - I'm a student who likes to know that someone is worrying about him. But it makes me feel really horrible for lying to her.

"I'm not just relying on what I already know," I told her this afternoon. It's a promise I've made to myself and others numerous times this year - that I won't let my prior knowledge of Japanese undermine the importance of my studies in this class. But my study habits to this point in the year clearly prove I'm not taking responsibility for that promise - and yet, somehow, I always manage to convince myself of the opposite when I'm asked about it directly. I've been able to be honest only in this blog, where I've admitted the need to improve my study habits again and again. In real life, I'm repeating a lie, and acting hypocritically.

In my heart, I really do want to turn the lie into truth, and put some real effort into my Japanese class. I want to work hard for さとうせんせい if she's honestly concerned about me, so maybe I'll finally be able to create positive changes - as soon as I get my feet back on the ground. The heavy workloads of this midterm week have caused some real struggles for me. I feel like this was my first real test as a college student, and I'm not really certain that I made the grade.