Sinking

I tried to go against it, but I'm back to my old habit of worrying furiously about everything.

That time of year that I've heard senior students refer to as "hell week" has finally arrived for me. In Japanese class alone, I'm managing four whole projects at once - the sakubun, a skit draft with Patrick, the cultural presentation with McCarty-san, and this blog (which will graciously cease to be a problem once this is published). Add an Economics 201 midterm exam at the end of the week, and two more tests coming by the middle of next week, and you can see how full my plate is with work and study responsibilities.

Perhaps all this work is the reason why I have developed a compulsive concern for my grades. I wonder how the tests will affect them, and how my daily work has already affected them. In some classes - Japanese in particular - I fear the worst. At my high school, I studied the language on my own - I had no one with which to compare my progress, but I was a biggish fish in a smallish pond at the time, so I naturally felt that I was above average. Doing drills in classes now, however, shows me how wrong I was in this perception. There are days where I feel like I am speaking well and thinking clearly - but more common are the days where I feel dissatisfied with both my fluency and clarity. For the first time ever, I have shadows of doubt that I will ever be able to realize my dream of speaking fluent Japanese...

I have to sort this out. I gotta keep it together.